LairdFWD

FW:

2008-10-10T05:38:00.001-07:00

DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, THIS IS YOUR NEW OFFICE

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE SEPTEMBER 1, 2008

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes, Versace dresses and carry a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

This email and any attached files are confidential and may be legally privileged.  If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure, reproduction, copying, distribution, or other dissemination or use of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this transmission in error please notify the sender immediately and then delete this email.  Email transmission cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error free as information could be intercepted, corrupted, lost, destroyed, arrive late or incomplete, or contain viruses. The sender therefore is in no way liable for any errors or omissions in the contents of this message which may arise as a result of email transmission. If verification is required please request a hard copy.  IRS Circular 230 disclosure: Fortis Capital Corp. and its employees or any of its affiliates or affiliates' employees do not render tax, legal or accounting advice. Accordingly, the information included in this email (including any attachments) is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used or relied upon, by any taxpayer for the purpose of avoiding tax penalties.

Fwd: FW: investments

2008-10-06T13:12:00.000-07:00

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left. With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000. With AIG, you would have less than $15 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214 cash. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle

New MapQuest Local shows what's happening at your destination. Dining, Movies, Events, News & more. Try it out!

FW: 9 words women use!

2008-06-19T05:39:00.001-07:00

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6..) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh.

Fwd: Fw: Can U Pass The Third Grade Test... Good Luck

2008-05-13T11:39:00.001-07:00

http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf

Fwd: FW: [Fwd: Fwd: Fw: SPREAD THE STUPIDITY]

2008-05-06T06:16:00.001-07:00

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Is that T.O.?

2008-04-23T09:27:00.001-07:00

Looks more like him than anyone else I know...

Unbelievable Coincidences

2008-04-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

History Mystery

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

look at the lips

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

look at hair line

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Creepy huh? Send this to as many people as you can, cause:
Hey, this is one history lesson most people probably will not mind reading!

WHO FIGURED THIS OUT?

INCREDIBLE
1) Fold a NEW $20 bill in half...

2) Fold again, taking care to fold it exactly as below

3) Fold the other end, exactly as before

4) Now, simply turn it over...

What a coincidence! A simple geometric fold creates a catastrophic premonition printed on all $20 bills!!!
COINCIDENCE? YOU DECIDE

As if that wasn't enough. Here is what you've seen...

Firstly The Pentagon on fire...

Then The Twin Towers.

..And now . look at this!

TRIPLE COINCIDENCE ON A SIMPLE $20 BILL
It gets even better!! 9 + 11=$20!!

This is too interesting to pass up!
Pass it on to your friends who have nothing to do.

This email and any attached files are confidential and may be legally privileged.  If you are not the intended recipient, any disclosure, reproduction, copying, distribution, or other dissemination or use of this communication is strictly prohibited. If you have received this transmission in error please notify the sender immediately and then delete this email.  Email transmission cannot be guaranteed to be secure or error free as information could be intercepted, corrupted, lost, destroyed, arrive late or incomplete, or contain viruses. The sender therefore is in no way liable for any errors or omissions in the contents of this message which may arise as a result of email transmission. If verification is required please request a hard copy.  IRS Circular 230 disclosure: Fortis Capital Corp. and its employees or any of its affiliates or affiliates' employees do not render tax, legal or accounting advice. Accordingly, the information included in this email (including any attachments) is not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used or relied upon, by any taxpayer for the purpose of avoiding tax penalties.

Best album cover ever?

2008-04-09T09:33:00.001-07:00

Think Riding the 6 train at 8am and it's raining is bad?

2008-04-09T08:42:00.001-07:00

http://www.chilloutzone.de/files/08040701.html

From the Reagan Diaries

2008-04-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

Caption: "A moment I've been dreading. George brought his n'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work."

From the REAGAN DIARIES------entry dated May 17, 1986.

Alabama Leprechaun

2008-03-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

Is Hillary RODHAM Clinton a Muslim?

2008-03-10T13:36:00.001-07:00

Motivational Posters Continued...

2008-03-07T16:14:00.000-08:00

Motivational Posters

2008-03-05T11:08:00.000-08:00

Roger Clemens's Dog

2008-02-29T10:58:00.000-08:00

Worst Possession Ever

2008-02-27T16:47:00.000-08:00

Unconditional Love by Bobby Smith

2008-02-15T15:34:00.000-08:00

What is that?

2008-02-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

Took this picture on the train this morning; any idea what could be in the corner?

It might be the sketchiest thing I've ever seen on the train.

New State Quarter Designs

2008-02-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

Man Gets Hit In Crotch, Hilarity Ensues

2008-01-29T14:50:00.000-08:00

Isiah's Son, Class Act

2008-01-25T12:27:00.000-08:00

DAILY NEWS
January 25, 2008
Isiah Thomas' 19-year-old son busted in Indiana for underage drinking
BY JAMES BOYD in Bloomington, Ind. and BILL HUTCHINSON in New York

The 19-year-old son of Knicks head coach Isiah Thomas has been busted for underage drinking after getting punched out in an Indiana bar, police said Thursday.

Joshua Thomas, a student at the University of Indiana, was arrested early Tuesday after he went to a Bloomington hospital to be treated for a swollen eye, a police source said.

Thomas allegedly became belligerent when hospital staff called police, who began questioning him about the injury he received while allegedly drinking in an off-campus bar with fake identification.

"This is b------t," Thomas allegedly screamed at a police officer.

According to a police report, Thomas appeared to be "extremely intoxicated with bloodshot eyes [and] slurred speech."

When he refused orders to calm down, Thomas was arrested on misdemeanor charges of disorderly conduct, illegal consumption of alcohol and being a minor in a tavern. He was released from the Monroe County Jail on $500 bail.

On the way to jail, Thomas vomited and passed out in the police car, according to the report.

The incident began about 11 p.m. Monday when Thomas was drinking at the Kilroy's on Kirkwood bar in downtown Bloomington, police said.

Thomas told cops he was at the bar when an unidentified man asked him if he was gay, the report says. When Thomas answered "no," the man hit him in the eye with either his fist or a beer bottle, witnesses told police.

Bar bouncers quickly separated the men and threw out the attacker, police said.

As of yesterday, police had not been able to identify the attacker.

Joshua Thomas could not be reached for comment last night. He is a freshman at the university, where his famous father was a star player on the Hoosiers' 1981 NCAA championship basketball team.

The teen is also a record producer and a deejay, who goes by "DJ Zeke," a reference to his father's nickname.

He has performed in several nightclubs in Manhattan and in White Plains.

Women As Explained by Engineers

2007-12-21T10:25:00.000-08:00

Early Mitchell Report List

2007-12-13T13:14:00.000-08:00

Brady Anderson, Manny Alexander, Rick Ankiel, Jeff Bagwell, Barry Bonds, Aaron Boone, Rafaeil Bettancourt, Bret Boone, Milton Bradley, David Bell, Dante Bichette, Albert Belle, Paul Byrd, Wil Cordero, Ken Caminiti, Mike Cameron, Ramon Castro, Jose and Ozzie Canseco, Roger Clemens, Paxton Crawford, Wilson Delgado, Lenny Dykstra, Johnny Damon, Carl Everett, Kyle Farnsoworth, Ryan Franklin, Troy Glaus, Rich Garces, Jason Grimsley, Troy Glaus, Juan Gonzalez, Eric Gagne, Nomar Garciaparra, Jason Giambi, Jeremy Giambi, Jose Guillen, Jay Gibbons, Juan Gonzalez, Clay Hensley, Jerry Hairston, Felix Heredia, Jr., Darren Holmes, Wally Joyner, Darryl Kile, Matt Lawton, Raul Mondesi, Mark McGwire, Guillermo Mota, Robert Machado, Damian Moss, Abraham Nunez, Trot Nixon, Jose Offerman, Andy Pettitte, Mark Prior, Neifi Perez, Rafael Palmiero, Albert Pujols, Brian Roberts, Juan Rincon, John Rocker, Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Scott Schoenweiis, David Segui, Alex Sanchez, Gary Sheffield, Miguel Tejada, Julian Tavarez,Fernando Tatis, Maurice Vaughn, Jason Varitek, Ismael Valdez, Matt Williams and Kerry Wood.

Rap Represented in Mathematical Charts

2007-11-09T16:48:00.000-08:00

Way too many to show here, but here are some favorites:

Click here for tons more

Thumbs Up?

2007-10-26T12:56:00.000-07:00

New Englanders

2007-10-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

FORGET REDNECKS ……HERE IS WHAT JEFF FOXWORTHY HAS TO SAY ABOUT NEW ENGLANDERS…

IF YOUR LOCAL DAIRY QUEEN IS CLOSED FROM SEPTEMBER THROUGH MAY, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF SOMEONE IN A HOME DEPOT STORE OFFERS YOU ASSISTANCE AND THEY DON’T WORK THERE, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU’VE WORN SHORTS AND A PARKA AT THE SAME TIME, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU’VE HAD A LENGTHY TELEPHONE CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE WHO DIALED A WRONG NUMBER, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF “VACATION” MEANS GOING ANYWHERE SOUTH OF NEW YORK CITY FOR THE WEEKEND, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU MEASURE DISTANCE IN HOURS, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU KNOW SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO HAVE HIT A DEER MORE THAN ONCE, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU HAVE SWITCHED FROM “HEAT” TO “A/C” IN THE SAME DAY AND BACK AGAIN, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU CAN DRIVE 75 MP H THROUGH 2 FEET OF SNOW DURING A RAGING BLIZZARD WITHOUT FLINCHING, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU INSTALL SECURITY LIGHTS ON YOUR HOUSE AND GARAGE, BUT LEAVE BOTH UNLOCKED, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU CARRY JUMPERS IN YOUR CAR AND YOUR WIFE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU DESIGN YOUR KID’S HALLOWEEN COSTUME TO FIT OVER A SNOWSUIT, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF THE SPEED LIMIT ON THE HIGHWAY IS 55 MPH — YOU’RE GOING 80 AND EVERYBODY IS PASSING YOU, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF DRIVING IS BETTER IN THE WINTER BECAUSE THE POTHOLES ARE FILLED WITH SNOW, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU KNOW ALL 4 SEASONS: ALMOST WINTER, WINTER, STILL WINTER AND ROAD CONSTRUCTION, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU HAVE MORE MILES ON YOUR SNOW BLOWER THAN YOUR CAR, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU FIND 10 DEGREES “A LITTLE CHILLY”, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND.

IF YOU ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND THESE JOKES, AND FORWARD THEM TO ALL YOUR NEW ENGLAND FRIENDS, YOU LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND . . . .

Why Men Shouldn't Buy Baby Clothes

2007-10-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

A Little Help From Craigslist

2007-10-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

Subject: Craig’s List Ad - NYC

The response by the banker is awesome…

THIS APPEARED ON CRAIG’S LIST

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy.

I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way.

Classic “pump and dump.”

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

NEW YORK METS TO NEW YORK YANKEES CONVERSION FORM

2007-10-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your interest in becoming a member of the New York Yankees Fan Club. Due to an unprecedented volume of requests, we are currently processing only fan conversion registrations for New York Met fans.
Conversion requests from other teams will be accepted once all Met requests are processed. We expect this to take a number of weeks based on the current backlog of requests.

Please take a few moments to fill out the conversion form below to help us get to know you better and prescribe any required counseling to recover from your previous fan experience.

Name:

_______________________________________________________________________
Last (Please Print) First MI

Address:

_____________________________________________________________________
# Street

_____________________________________________________________________
City State Zip

1. Please indicate the last time you watched the NY Mets win the World
Series:

[ ] 1969 (Please leave this form at the front desk of your nursing
home)
[ ] 1986
[ ] Have never witnessed this event

2. Please indicate your favorite moments in Mets history: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Nolan Ryan traded for Jim Fregosi
[ ] Timo Perez forgets to run in the World Series
[ ] Scott Kazimir traded for Victor Zambrano
[ ] Al Leiter allowed to throw 164 pitches in a World Series game
[ ] Joel Pinero(American League reject) shuts the Met's out 3-0
[ ] Knocked out of 1st place With 17 games remaining & a 7 game lead [ ] Bobby Valentine thrown out of the game comes back with fake mustache & glasses
[ ] Armando Benitez cracks under pressure
[ ] Paul Loduca caught with 19 year old Huntington girl

3. Reasons you believe the Mets have not won a World Series since 1986:
(Check all that apply)

[ ] Lack of Pitching
[ ] Lack of Hitting
[ ] Poor Management
[ ] Lack of Defense
[ ] Bad calls by Umpires

4. Have you experienced any of the following after another inevitable Mets loss: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Headache [ ] Uncontrolled Anger
[ ] Heartache [ ] Holes punched in doors or walls
[ ] Nausea [ ] Smashed TV screens
[ ] Depression [ ] Avoided Yankee fans for days or weeks

5. Is October your least favorite time of year?
[ ] Yes [ ] No

6. Are you tired of saying "Wait till next year?
[ ] Yes [ ] No

7. Are you ready to admit that:

a) Joe Torre is a better manager than Booby V or Willie.
[ ] Yes [ ] No
b) Derek Jeter is better than Jose Reyes.
[ ] Yes [ ] No
c) The Rocket never intentionally threw at Piazza.
[ ] Yes [ ] No
d) The American League is far superior to the National League.
[ ] Yes [ ] No
e) The DH Rule is a great thing.
[ ] Yes [ ] No

Once you have completed this form, please forward to Yankee Stadium.
Then burn all your remaining Mets clothing, memorabilia, and associated reminders. After reviewing your request, the Yankee Fan Club will contact you with notification of acceptance or rejection.

If accepted, you will receive:

* A recommended recuperation program which includes a recording of Frank Sinatra singing "New York, New York" over and over again
* An opportunity to obtain tickets to the 2007 World Series at
Yankee Stadium
* Posters of Jeter & Rodriguez in Yankee uniforms wearing their
championship rings
* A dart board sporting a picture of Omar
* A copy of our popular handbook, "Harassing Met Fans for Fun
and Profit"
* A coupon for a future poster of Johan Santana in a Yankee uniform

* A special DVD of Jose Reyes defensive highlights and a never-
before-seen video of his audition for the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz
singing "If I Only had a Heart"
* A one-year subscription to a weekly support group for ex-Met
fans in your area

If rejected, you will receive:

* Our pity and condolences, plus a 26 second video capturing the
past 30 years of Mets highlights in head-to-head competition
against the Yankees narrated by Tom Seaver.

I hereby renounce the NY Mets for all eternity on this the

_______day of_________________, 200__

__________________________________

(Signed)

(Office Use Only)

[ ] Approved
_________________________________________
George M. Steinbrenner

[ ] Declined

Marlins Drawing Huge Crowds

2007-09-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

From an actual regular season game:

Disgraceful Cheating in Your League

2007-09-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

-----Original Message-----
From: Vincent C.
To: Vincent C.
Sent: Tue, 11 Sep 2007 7:57 pm
Subject: Fw: Disgraceful Cheating in Your League

Email Roger folks...the Pats penalty is expected to be doled out on Friday.
I got his email address from www.jetsinsider.com which is a great website.

Vin

----- Original Message -----
From: Vincent C.
To: Roger.Goodell@nfl.net
Sent: Tuesday, September 11, 2007 7:51 PM
Subject: Disgraceful Cheating in Your League

Mr. Commissioner,

First Vick, and now this. Your league is quickly turning into a circus. All teams truly care about in the NFL (or any other league for that matter) is wins and losses. Therefore, hitting the Pats where it hurts by rescinding this victory is most in order. In addition, they should be punished with future draft picks. Making a stern example of this now will prevent teams from doing it in the future. It is a shame, because I now question the validity of this franchise as a dynasty for the past 5 years. Bob Kraft also had extremely pompous comments regarding your office and the league as a whole. Your actions should offer a clear and comprehensive rebuttal to Mr. Kraft, Mr. Belichick, and the classes New England Patriots organization. What a disgrace this league has become. It is now in your hands for repair.

Regards,

Vince C.
Longtime NFL Fan

Big Wave Surfing

2007-09-07T15:42:00.000-07:00

Traffic Question

2007-09-07T08:37:00.000-07:00

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

Scroll down for the answer...

A. Why take unnecessary risks and get a ticket?

A Wall Street Trader Draws Some Subprime Lessons: Michael Lewis

2007-09-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

By Michael Lewis

Sept. 5 (Bloomberg) -- So right after the Bear Stearns funds blew up, I had a thought: This is what happens when you lend money to poor people.

Don't get me wrong: I have nothing personally against the poor. To my knowledge, I have nothing personally to do with the poor at all. It's not personal when a guy cuts your grass: that's business. He does what you say, you pay him. But you don't pay him in advance: That would be finance. And finance is one thing you should never engage in with the poor. (By poor, I mean anyone who the SEC wouldn't allow to invest in my hedge fund.)

That's the biggest lesson I've learned from the subprime crisis. Along the way, as these people have torpedoed my portfolio, I had some other thoughts about the poor. I'll share them with you.

1) They're masters of public relations.

I had no idea how my open-handedness could be made to look, after the fact. At the time I bought the subprime portfolio I thought: This is sort of like my way of giving something back. I didn't expect a profile in Philanthropy Today or anything like that. I mean, I bought at a discount. But I thought people would admire the Wall Street big shot who found a way to help the little guy. Sort of like a money doctor helping a sick person. Then the little guy wheels around and gives me this financial enema. And I'm the one who gets crap in the papers! Everyone feels sorry for the poor, and no one feels sorry for me. Even though it's my money! No good deed goes unpunished.

2) Poor people don't respect other people's money in the way money deserves to be respected.

Call me a romantic: I want everyone to have a shot at the American dream. Even people who haven't earned it. I did everything I could so that these schlubs could at least own their own place. The media is now making my generosity out to be some kind of scandal. Teaser rates weren't a scandal. Teaser rates were a sign of misplaced trust: I trusted these people to get their teams of lawyers to vet anything before they signed it. Turns out, if you're poor, you don't need to pay lawyers. You don't like the deal you just wave your hands in the air and moan about how poor you are. Then you default.

3) I've grown out of touch with ``poor culture.''

Hard to say when this happened; it might have been when I stopped flying commercial. Or maybe it was when I gave up the bleacher seats and got the suite. But the first rule in this business is to know the people you're in business with, and I broke it. People complain about the rich getting richer and the poor being left behind. Is it any wonder? Look at them! Did it ever occur to even one of them that they might pay me back by WORKING HARDER? I don't think so.

But as I say, it was my fault, for not studying the poor more closely before I lent them the money. When the only time you've ever seen a lion is in his cage in the zoo, you start thinking of him as a pet cat. You forget that he wants to eat you.

4) Our society is really, really hostile to success. At the same time it's shockingly indulgent of poor people.

A Republican president now wants to bail them out! I have a different solution. Debtors' prison is obviously a little too retro, and besides that it would just use more taxpayers' money. But the poor could work off their debts. All over Greenwich I see lawns to be mowed, houses to be painted, sports cars to be tuned up. Some of these poor people must have skills. The ones that don't could be trained to do some of the less skilled labor -- say, working as clowns at rich kids' birthday parties. They could even have an act: put them in clown suits and see how many can be stuffed into a Maybach. It'd be like the circus, only better.

Transporting entire neighborhoods of poor people to upper Manhattan and lower Connecticut might seem impractical. It's not: Mexico does this sort of thing routinely. And in the long run it might be for the good of poor people. If the consequences were more serious, maybe they wouldn't stay poor.

5) I think it's time we all become more realistic about letting the poor anywhere near Wall Street.

Lending money to poor countries was a bad idea: Does it make any more sense to lend money to poor people? They don't even have mineral rights!

There's a reason the rich aren't getting richer as fast as they should: they keep getting tangled up with the poor. It's unrealistic to say that Wall Street should cut itself off entirely from poor -- or, if you will, ``mainstream'' -- culture. As I say, I'll still do business with the masses. But I'll only engage in their finances if they can clump themselves together into a semblance of a rich person. I'll still accept pension fund money, for example. (Nothing under $50 million, please.) And I'm willing to finance the purchase of entire companies staffed basically with poor people. I did deals with Milken, before they broke him. I own some Blackstone. (Hang tough, Steve!)

But never again will I go one-on-one again with poor people. They're sharks.

(Michael Lewis is the author, most recently of ``The Blind Side,'' and is a columnist for Bloomberg News. The views he expresses are his own.)

To contact the writer of this column: Michael Lewis in Berkeley, California, at mlewis1@bloomberg.net .

Phils Fight

2007-08-31T13:40:00.000-07:00

How to shower...

2007-07-30T12:01:00.000-07:00

like a woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

like a man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

A Look Back: Larry Johnson's Four Point Play

2007-07-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

New York City Steam Explosion

2007-07-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

12 Signs You've Had Too Much to Drink

2007-07-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

Hula Hoop Ball Shot

2007-07-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

Template for Quitting Your Job

2007-06-28T12:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Saroj Hariprashad: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Philip Cress, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Joe Cobbinah were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brenda Ashby whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sylvia Keenan, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To Bob Malvin (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Don Merritt (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jamie Dimon and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.

Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!

Do Elephants Really Have Memories?

2007-06-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Veggies

2007-06-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

When you are too good to play beer pong...

2007-05-10T23:06:00.000-07:00

Bologna Cups

2007-05-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

Golfing Nun

2007-05-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She
lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was
the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name
in vain!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother, 540
yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive
of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100
yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that
didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of
myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this
hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and
the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of
his paws and rolled to about 18
inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

injured...injured bad

2007-04-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Office Dares

2007-04-26T11:58:00.000-07:00

ONE-POINT DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye.
4) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way."
6) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
7) While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

TWO POINT DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your s tyle" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it."
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (5 extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bo b."
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two."
5) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for 1 hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again."
9) In a colleague's DAY PLANNER, write in the 10am slot: "See how I look in tights." (5 Extra points if it is a male, 5 more if he is your boss)
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
11) Rep eat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a 2' long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuits, smashing each biscuit with your fist.
18) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards th e door.
19) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting attendee,move them according to the movements of their real-life counterparts.

And, if that wasn't enough for you...How to keep a healthy level of insanity:

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4) Put your waste basket on your desk and label it "IN".
5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
7) Dont use any punctuation
8) Use, too...much; punctuation!
9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12) Sing along at the opera.
13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,"Run for your lives, they're loose!"

Air Plane

2007-04-07T22:20:00.000-07:00

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Shit, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

Surprise!

2007-04-05T09:05:00.000-07:00

David Lee

2007-03-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

Liar's Poker

2007-03-19T12:42:00.000-07:00

As a reminder:

Liar’s poker is a bar game that combines statistical reasoning with bluffing, and is played with the eight-digit serial number on a dollar bill. Normally the game is played with a stack of random bills obtained from the cash register.

The object is to make the highest bid of a number that does not exceed the combined total held by all the players. The numbers are usually ranked in the following order: 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0(10)and 1(Ace). If the first player bids three 6’s, he is predicting there are at least three 6’s among all the players, including himself. The next player can bid a higher number at that level (three 7’s), any number at a higher level (four 5’s) or challenge. The end of the game is reached when a player makes a bid that is challenged all around. If the bid is successful, he wins a dollar from each of the other players, but if the bid is unsuccessful, he loses a dollar to each of the other players.

Dorm Room Ballers

2007-03-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

Aries Spears Rap Impersonation

2007-01-14T12:11:00.000-08:00

Thoughtful Tips from Mom

2006-12-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

9:57 pm (6 minutes ago)
From: Jacob W-G
To: “Andrew M. L.”

Date: Dec 12, 2006 9:57 PM
Subject: Fwd: Serious stuff

I couldn’t not forward this to you….

These are my parents.

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Sheila W.
Date: Dec 12, 2006 8:56 PM
Subject: Serious stuff
To: Jake W-G

Hi Jake,

I know that this info is not something you want to hear from your mother,
but I heard this on the Tyra Banks TV show with this elderly woman, Sue
something. Seems she has her own show -can’t remember the name or network
and has become a new celeb a la Dr. Ruth (are you too young to know Dr
Ruth?). They were talking about condoms and I learned that the lambs wool
or lambs skin condoms are not good to use because they have microscopic
holes. So, not good to combat aids, pregnancy or any other STD’s.

Just a little info from your in the know mom.

Seinfeld Lost Episode

2006-11-30T17:57:00.000-08:00

LeBron James Pre-Game Dunk

2006-11-26T13:16:00.000-08:00

Man Laws

2006-10-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’ car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach … and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
I.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

29: Pull out

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the *** and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

Yanks Playoff Misery

2006-10-19T14:59:00.000-07:00

The logos of the last six teams to defeat the Yankees in the postseason spell out how the Bombers have fared in October since winning it all in 2000.

Nation of Idiots and Morons

2006-05-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Red Sox fan. She asks her class to raise their hands if they are too. Wanting to impress the teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says "Kara why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Red Sox fan", she replied.

The teacher still shocked, asked "Well, if your not a Red Sox fan then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Yankees fan and proud of it", Kara replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Kara why are you a Yankees fan?"

"Cuz my mom and dad are both Yankees fans, so I'm a Yankees fan too!"

"Well", said the teacher in an annoyed tone "that is no reason for you to be a Yankees fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron what would you be then?"

Kara smiled "Then I'd be a Red Sox fan"

Dear Jane...

2006-04-20T12:19:00.000-07:00

Subject: Best Divorce Letter Ever - Customized, with feeling !

Dear Lovey,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's
cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does, with another mate! Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Lovey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts ( . ) ( . ) of every woman I see, but they're not you....They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, hell yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive "Lovey"? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her sluttish, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Lovey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Little League last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant 'till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes
me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Lovey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Lovey, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and
all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Lovey. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is?

Love, Dan
*********************************************
( You always asked that we be truthful with each other...)

The Clear

2006-04-19T09:12:00.000-07:00

Artistic Tourists

2005-02-04T10:57:00.000-08:00

West Side Stadium Update

2005-01-30T17:13:00.000-08:00

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Tom McMorrow
To: abazz@hotmail.com
Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2005 09:59:02 -0800 (PST)
Subject: West Side Stadium update, something easy you can do to help!

Dear West Side Stadium Supporter,

It’s late in the fourth quarter. We are winning the fight, but it is real close and there are a couple of simple things you could do to help put us over the top if you are a resident of New York state.

First, it would be a great help if you would take five minutes to write two very brief letters or post cards stating your support for the stadium/convention center, and mailing them to Frank Bruno and Sheldon Silver. A possible letter might be as simple as:

Hi,

My name is (your name!).

I am a resident of (your county!)

I urge you to vote to support the stadium/convention center on the west side of Manhattan at the February 16th meeting of the Public Authorities Control Board (PACB).

Sincerely,

(Your Name)

Addresses to send the letters to:

The Honorable Sheldon Silver The Honorable Joseph L. Bruno

Speaker Majority Leader

New York State Assembly State Senate of New York

LOB 932 Room 909 Legislative Office Building

Albany, New York 12248 Albany, New York 12247

Don't think your letter doesn't matter. Politicians notice this stuff! Five minutes from you can make a difference.

Further, we at WestSideStadium.org are looking to feature our supporters. If you could send us a simple email stating your support and your name and the county you live in, we’d like to publish it on our web site. For example, I’m writing the following:

My name is Tom McMorrow, Jr.

I’m a resident of Chelsea in Manhattan, and I support the New York Sports and Convention Center.

We’d love to publish your picture on the web site, as well. Have you purchased a Build it T-shirt from us or have you gotten one at one of our rallies? Send us a picture of you wearing it so that we can publish it.

There should be a lot of exciting things happening over the next two weeks. We’ll be updating the web site, daily.

With your help, we’ll get this project built!

Sincerely,

Tom McMorrow, Jr.

Founder, WestSideStadium.org